As promised, the newest area of the site is now available for viewing. Sadly, it shares a lot of similarities with the SSBM Retros in that most of it is not my best work, and this sub section is no exception. Let the chain of bitter disappointments resume! First up is the Phazon Suit, from Metroid Prime. The final suit the game offers, born of a toxic hug from a dying boss. As opposed to, you know, crushing you, popping the glass and letting all the contaminated air come rushing in it instead gives you super powers. Go figure. Video Game Logic, ya gotta love it! (UPDATED: July 16, 2011)

Well, it is now August 1, so where the Hell was the update 2 days ago? My computer suffered some troubling virus, targeting my computer specifically, (I hope...) resulting in the crippling loss of my Internet. Near as I can tell, the problem has been sent back to Hell so I can resume my duties of  providing you with more of the crap in my "creative" archives. With that out of the way, I present the Varia Suit, the Armor with the most recognition and "Street Cred", as it were. What's it do? Aside from making you look badass, it also comes with some built-in air conditioning! ... You know, protection from heat? Eh, I don't know why I try for you people... (UPDATED: July 30, 2011)

Phazon Suit

Varia Suit

No! It couldn't be! IT IS! Saturday the 13th has come again! *Yawn... I mean, panic noises! With that out of the way I present the Power Suit, Samus's "supposed" default armor. I'm a bit skeptical on that, considering the first good look at it was just after your Varia Suit gave you the finger early on in Metroid Prime. The low resolution of the Original Metroid makes it a bit difficult to vouch for it's default-ness, but I guess it's all I have to go on so I'll take their word for it. Next week there will FINALLY be something half decent to look at, so drop by then. Later. (UPDATED: August 13, 2011)

After MONTHS of inactivity I have FINALLY built something "new". This is irrelevant, as the world may come to an end before I even show it off! *Diabolical Laugh* Today the Suck-Combo resumes with the Gravity Suit. I'll get this out of the way right now. It did NOT give you the power to defy gravity and float around. Although it DID give your heavy armor the mysterious ability to maneuver around underwater with no water resistance. I have no idea how that works exactly, but it sure made all those aquatic areas a Hell of a lot more merciful. A shame that there was no boss to take out to retrieve it... Just a slow, low visibility romp through frigid submerged caverns. Hmm. (UPDATED: August 27, 2011)

Power Suit

Gravity Suit

MULTI SUCK!! 3 in a row! We're on a roll here! Today I present the Completed Suit, first seen in Metroid: Zero Mission. Notably not Pink, for the same reason everything else that should've been wasn't. I don't buy Girl's sets, and even if I did it'd take too many to make any progress on my replacement list. Getting back on topic, Pink sure is an, Odd, choice for anything Ultimate... But what is lost in *"Masculinity" is gained in the integration of all those "Useless" systems you had gathered along the way. They will not be named both to minimize spoilers, and because I can't be bothered to remember/look them up. Drop by next week to see how long the Lose can last!!! *I am well aware that Samus is not a man. Give me some credit, people. (UPDATED: September 10, 2011)

M-M-M-MON-STER SUUCK!!!! What?! You're STILL HERE?!! Well aren't you special. The 5th Update of Consecutive Suck is the SA-X, the primary Antagonist of Metroid Fusion. (Aside from the HAL-9000-ish Adam or the Final-ester boss that seems to spring out of nowhere...) It's Samus's first evil twin, (As Metroid Prime 2 was released later) born of a near fatal infection of a creature that didn't exist until this game came out. Basically, this Parasitic Bastard jacks your suit and leaves you to cower from it as the vaccine that prevented you from dying makes you EXTREMELY vulnerable to one of the Upgrades your suit conveniently DIDN'T forget this time. Whew... That was a mouthful. (UPDATED: September 24, 2011)

Completed Suit

SA-X

This week we celebrate the addition of our 9th Neo with 5 MORE WEEKS OF CONSECUTIVE SUCK! Aint that Peachy?! I just KNOW you're excited, so I won't stall it any further! I "Proudly" present, the Fusion Varia Suit! While it kinda goes without saying that the stray X on the station stole just about all the available power-ups, this is the first time you actually SEE it taking place in front of you. After barely outmaneuvering all the X-cicles on the way to the *Data Room, just when you think you've FINALLY found some sweet relief, you see the little bastard not only EAT the upgrade right before your eyes, but also sabotaging the system so that you can never use it again. What an asshole. *For Accuracy, I looked up the technical name. (UPDATED: October 8th, 2011)

I want to get right back to my apathy so I won't waste any more time introducing the Fusion Suit. Metroid "4" wastes no time in doing away with the Mascot Suit she's worn for over a decade. (That's a long time to wear the same thing, you'd think it'd rust or need a good thorough internal cleaning by now...) Apparently, after owning a nasty little monster something attaches to Samus and she thinks nothing of it. ...Really? Predictably, this thing Fucks her up pretty bad, and seeing as you paid $30, she's not allowed to die for this stupidity. (At least not this early on!) As a result of her ignorance, Samus ends up having her suit peeled away, leaving behind a deformed version of the Zero Suit and a lethal infection of WTF. Utilizing some convenient BS they just had lying around, they cook up a vaccine and BAM! Good as Used! Adventures and Happy End! (Kinda...) Will something new and special be uploaded for Halloween?! Hell if I know, but come see anyway! (UPDATED: October 22, 2011)

Fusion: Varia Suit

Fusion Suit

It's 3 in the Morning and STILL no update? What gives?! I guess today I just had better things to do than update this site for a buncha ungrateful sons of... Whoa! Where'd that come from?! Today's update is yet another suit in Samus's endless arsenal of spare clothes, the Fusion Gravity Suit. (All that and STILL nothing to wear, right?) Nothing quite like the magical properties of lightweight (yet somehow more durable) armor to get you through that headache of a Section AQA. This accessory is obtained after fighting, like, this totally grody boss, that like, oozes green slime from it's eyes when it's hurt. Like gag me with a spoon gnarly! But, WhatEVER! Ow... My brain hurt typing that. I think I need to go lie down... Ugh... (UPDATED: November 5, 2011)

Today's update is kind of an odd one, and something of an unofficial model, but a model all the same. Saturday Samus, the strange promotional thing that popped up on Cartoon Network several years ago. Some of the pieces are a bit discolored, but that's just evidence of how dated this model is. That was all the way back when I was scraping through extra parts and didn't have shelves of sorted pieces to sift through! If you want to know more about it, you could always read the huge Damn blurb that's been hovering above the section since I FIRST ADDED IT. (UPDATED: November 19, 2011)

Fusion: Gravity Suit

Saturday Samus (Promo)

I'll try to keep the opening BS brief this time. 4 bits of news: I completed Paper Mario: The 1000 Hour RPG, I built 2 new Neo-Xs, I have a Birthday to attend later today, AND, most relevant to you, I finally got some more pictures taken of my recent models. You know how Neo Yoshi has been a Prototype forever now? Well, I'd built a replacement some time ago, but the lighting at the time was bad so all my pictures came out crappy. Frustrated at the wasted effort, I said screw it and put the retakes on hold... UNTIL *2 DAYS AGO. And as luck would have it, one of the retakes was of Yoshi! But that's beside the point. The Point IS...! Another Samus Clone today! Oh Joy! And funny I should mention "clones", as today Dark Samus makes her appearance! (SPOILER ALERT!) But, if you didn't dominate Metroid Prime already for some reason, than Shame On You! Go back to it and find everything DAMN IT, even if it means using a Guidebook, and earn that brief and unsatisfying ending! DO IT RIGHT NOW!! Finished already? That was fast... Good. Not content to die in it's premade grave, Metroid Prime decides to give you a hug goodbye, and snags your contaminated suit while you were too busy enjoying it to notice. After about 5 minutes of credits, (or 1 if you sped through it like an Impatient Dick!) Her arm rises from the hole you left her in, Zombie style, and an eye on the hand focuses and looks at you in a way that says, "This isn't over!" or "THERE WILL  BE A SEQUEL" To Be Continued... *Animal Crossing Reference FTW! (UPDATED: December 3, 2011)

UGH... That damn virus came back and has effectively prevented me from using my computer for over 3 WEEKS. WEEKS! You visit an innocent site for years and then start getting viruses from it, What The Hell? Anyway, for today's LATE LATE Update I present the Dark Suit. You gotta appreciate an honest, simple name like that. *Coughs Uncreative! Cough* This handy upgrade allows you to tolerate the toxic atmosphere of Dark Aether with slightly more ease, in addition to looking fairly kickass. You end up retrieving it from the enormous sandworm trio, Amorbis.  (No, not the striped worms from Beetlejuice)  December 24 will be the next update. Will something festive be put up THIS YEAR?! I Highly doubt it. I'm running dangerously low on Christma-er HOLIDAY CHEER at the moment, and I don't think I'll have the time to scrounge up anything new as I'll be busy on the Eve. (UPDATED: DECEMBER 31) Should've been updated on December 17, 2011

Dark Samus

Dark Suit

Well, the Holidays are over and we're just one day from the new year. THE FINAL YEAR. (Yeah right) So to welcome the new year I present one of my worst models EVER, the Zero-Suit! I guess in this case, the Zero stands for "Effort"! For a moment I'm going to pretend I knew what I was doing and say that what I built was an ugly chimera of NES graphics, generic model scaling, and modern colors. There, my past self has been exonerated from this crime against myself. I'm WELCOME. While the Zero Suit USED to be a reward for insanely fast and thorough victories, it's now put in as early as the opening cut-scenes as a sample of what you're striving to see more of after finding every Damn thing at the end. In slightly related news, their inconsistency in Other M annoyed me. Samus has NEVER had a mole/beauty mark by her lips. EVER. I know they've subtly downgraded her to sex appeal over the years, but this is getting so obvious that it causes me physical pain. She's NOT a supermodel DAMNIT! She's a damaged, professional woman in a robot suit with more unique power-ups than Megaman! *Sighs* You know what? I'll toss in one of those normally unattainable New Year's Resolutions! I strive to never again make a model this low of quality. (Without being specifically paid to) I love a resolution that I don't have to work for! Nothing's been built THAT bad for years! (UPDATED: December 31, 2011)

I'm not quite prepared to say I didn't get sick as I'm still putting up with a sore throat in the morning and have a lot of excess Ick in my throat. Aside from the semi-illness that may or may not be happening, I have slightly more pleasant news to report. I've been rehired at my Temp Job, and with any luck, I'll be competent enough to keep at it and make some Damn Money. I just might get back to my Neo-X development in the near future, hopefully! But for now, let's focus of the definite and the present. That being said, here's the Light Suit. As the one reward U-Mos of the Luminoth grants you for the thankless job of recovering about 3/4 of the planetary energy of Aether, (It's... Complicated, kinda...) the Light Suit is pretty sweet. However, it's main perk is how bitchin' and shiny it looks. Aside from that, all it's really good for is accessing a few power-ups locked up in Light Shaft Caches, and taking Light Speed shortcuts from the Light World Temples. I guess it's also good in that you no longer take damage just from breathing the toxic air of the Dark World, but let's get serious. At that point of the game, you really should have enough extra energy to wander the Darkness without an active, serious fear of death. In the grand scheme of things, all this Upgrade really is is just a "Clean-Up Suit" for the tedious recovery of all the backtracking World Keys. (Like the Artifacts from the original, just without the handy ability to pick up half of them before the game's almost over) That adds another 2 effects to your abilities; surviving the Living Rust Storms which are far more dangerous than you would expect, and being able to swim in the occasional pools of Acidic Grape Juice without suffering damage or loss of sight. I suppose the suit also comes in handy in the Final FINAL chapter, as long boss fights in the Caustic Atmosphere may take a toll after a while. However, as awesome as the suit claims to be, it's still not immune to the corrupting influence of Phazon, so look forward to some cheap shots of it sapping your life away. But as with every other cool upgrade ever picked up in Metroid, you turn it in at the end of the game and never see it again. You just HAD to take the High Road, didn't ya Samus? A closet Completely FILLED with Varia Suits, and you turn down a new outfit. It's nice that you're staying loyal to your trend, but that style is SO 5 years ago. ...SNK! Ah man! Had you going for a minute there didn't I?! I can't believe I typed that with a straight face! Ha ha ha ha ha! Ah... See you next week! (Oh, and this one has gloriously discolored White pieces as well. Aint that just dandy?!) (UPDATED: January 14, 2012)

Zero Suit

Light Suit

I did better at work this week, but in addition to an increased sense of value, I am left with a lot of soreness. Still waiting on that paycheck... That's all beside the point, however. What you're here for is your weekly fix of poorly built crap and bitter and opinionated commentary! So, without further ado, Phazon Samus. * "When we last left our "Hero", she was in the process of coming back from the dead and out of some sort of zombie cocoon! What action will she take next?!" Well, that part's kind of fuzzy, actually. We can, however, gather that she summoned the strength to reach another planet, (probably through theft and murder) and continued with this trend on the basis of "If it aint broke, don't fix it". After regaining some strength and freaking out the Space Pirates, she proceeded to harass Samus, because she was there. After playing a drawn out game of Hide-and-Seek-Tag using weapons with a safety rate roughly a Million times below Nerf safety standards, she finally reveals herself for one last hurrah. Having amassed a great deal of unstable energy while you were preoccupied with battling Emperor Ing and regaining the Planetery Energy (Starting up a classic "You need to leave, like, RIGHT NOW" Countdown) Dark Samus is more than ready for you. She trolls you for a few minutes, wasting precious time, before getting sick of your continued success of living to her continued failure to kill you, and finally says, "Fuck It" and goes all out, becoming increasingly unstable and deformed in the process. With the clock running out, you finally give her enough of her own medicine to make her sick so she doubles over. At long last it's finally over, and just to prove she's a good sport in all this, she gets up, stumbles over, and offers you a "Good Job" Handshake. You stand there dumbfounded and a little nervous until PS breaks down out of rejection or impatience. Then you accept your accolades, turn in your suit, crank up your stereo and get the FUCK OFF that planet! Good times and Happy End... Unless you won hard enough. Then you see Dark Samus abuse her Bullshit powers to stabilize her energy and reform, guaranteeing yet another sequel, and another confrontation. It just never ends, does it? *Rough Continuation of Dark Samus Commentary. (UPDATED: January 28, 2012)

I'm enduring a cold at the moment, but thankfully the worst is over. Had a REAL fun time putting up with it at work for 2 days! But you're not here to hear about that. Today is the final addition to "The Many Faces Of Samus Collection," the PED Suit. And just so you know, this is the only thing I've built out of Corruption, there is literally nothing else. It goes without saying that this was the very last low grade Samus model built to date. So, in a way, I have technically gone against that New Year's Resolution and followed it, AT THE SAME TIME! This was built some time AFTER the Zero Suit, but at the same time, was also built BEFORE 2012! Funny how that works, eh? Hmm... Spoiler time! After a tedious tutorial on a GFS Flagship the Pirates attack and ready a staggering weapon on a nearby planet base. Samus, of course, takes immediate action and goes to neutralize the problem, and with some help from future sub-bosses, ER, Hunters! Yeah that's it. The threat is taken care of, (but not before Ridley shows up again to screw with you) and just before Samus and the other Hunters put the finishing touches on their mission, Dark Samus shows up, uninvited (The NERVE!) and blasts all present with a non-fatal but still crippling Phazon blast. Barely maintaining consciousness, Samus hits the Cancel button on the Death Weapon and passes out. She awakens back on the Spaceship, outfitted in some new armor to make use of the Phazon infection you got when Dark Samus sneezed on you. And since Samus has been inoculated with Phazon three times now, she has gained a resistance to the Cancer flavored substance and is less prone to Phazon Madness. Her teammates... Not so fortunate. COMMENTARY END. In a couple weeks Metroid Bosses can start, and since most of it was made under the same timeline of my OTHER crappy stuff... Well, I think you can figure it out. See you then, or Not!

Phazon Samus

PED Suit