Welcome to the first of 36 disgraces that will curse the line up for every other week for months to come! Ah hah ha ha ha hah! First up is the Starman, one of my favorite power-ups. (UPDATED: August 7)

Week 2 of the suckfest! Can you endure?! Ha hah ha hah ha! (I think I'll add an evil unsympathetic laugh to every one of these updates) Item 2 of 36, the Whack-A-Hammer, a glorious relic of pain, with some bothersome limitation to balance out it's Godliness. (UPDATED: August 21)

Star Man

This update is both earlier and later than usual. 3AM. Blame it on The Sopranos. However, the update itself could not be blamed on it, that'd be both harsh and a lie. (HAH HA Ha ha hah ha!) You know what that means! It's that time again! "I should skip this update week!" Today I have the Green Shell, a favorite item of mine in terms of distance it throws you and damage inflicted. Gotta love it! It got 2 pictures for angling but is unapologetically bad in terms of the setup it's in, but then again, that's what that entire section is! <--*Cue Evil Laughter* (UPDATED: September 4)

Well, as luck (YOUR luck) would have it I could not get around to putting up a decent update today, things just aren't falling into place to get it done. Maybe the next time I hit the update landmine I'll put it up. It'd be up right now if I had gotten a picture of it yet. That's right, it's so recent I don't have an image stock of it yet! (Recent being March 12 of last year) Enough half-hearted apology, let's move on to the horror! (Ha hah hah ha ha hah ha!) Today we have the Freezie, an excellent paralyzing item. Like the other items it is severely lacking in detail. Transparency meant more to me than trying to fit in the face it has. (UPDATED: September 18)

The seasonal cold seems to have gotten a jump on me this year, last time it hit me around the 10th and lasted for over a week, this time around I got sick about the 9th. Thankfully it seems that it's finally going south, and with any luck I can look forward to not waking up to it later this morning. This week's update, (Mua ha hah hah ha ha!) is fresh from the Suck Collection, the Super Mushroom! Come to think of it, I could go for one of those. ...What? They made Mario feel better right? No, those were the drugs, never mind. I guess I'll stick with Dayquil then. [Dayquil (r)/(tm)/Not Mine/Whatever] (UPDATED: October 16)

Halloween is just around the corner, and in celebration of that you get a terrifyingly bad update! (Mu hu hu ha hah ha!) That's right, it's "Punish the Viewers Week" again! And as such, another lackluster Item from SSBM is revealed, the Pokeball. Out of all items featured across all SSB titles, I think this, would be my all time favorite. Few things are more enjoyable than summoning something to kick ass for you, and they definitely upped the ante in Melee. Brawl was kind of unimpressive to be honest, odds were too low to really get any fun out of them. They cut out way too many Legendarys to make them useful, from what I saw Groudon and Kyogre didn't do much of anything, and they appear too infrequently to test their might. (I also criticize the makers of the guidebook for devoting so many pages to strategies best learned yourself rather than listing and explaining the abilities of the summonable Pokemon as was done in Melee's guide) (UPDATED: October 30)

I was both tired and preoccupied last night so the update didn't come impossibly early this time. Getting those last 2 tedious achievements in Brawl is needlessly time-consuming. Anyway, onto the horror of this week! (Hmm hmm heh hah ha ha!) Today we have Lip's Stick. Yeah, that's it's actual name. It doesn't strike me as a weapon name. "I just owned that noob with Lip's Stick!" "Lipstick? What the Hell?" I thought I had more amusing commentary this week, but I'm just not feeling it today. Stay tuned for the exciting answer to last week's dramatic question! Not really, just be there. Or don't, I don't care. (UPDATED: November 27)

Anyone wondering what the Great Loge has been up to this last week? No? TOO BAD. (Hah ha heh ha ha hah!) This update is in dire need of filler, and I aim to please, DAMNIT. Finally polished off one more tedious achievement in Brawl, about a half an hour before this update, which makes it around 1:00 AM. I also decided to play through some old Super Nintendo games and conquer them just for the Hell of it. (I will not be outdone by the Site Master!) Got through that pain in the ass Warlock game and found the last boss and health container in Demon's Crest. Speaking of Health items, this week's update is the Heart Container, from the Legend of Zelda. My favorite healing item from the Smash Bros series, which heals a whopping 100% health. (UPDATED December 11)

Well, It's Christmas, and since I'm not waiting on ol' Santa for gifts, I'll be updating before the active celebrations begin about 12 hours from now. My crippling boredom led me to dominate Spyro The Dragon again, which took just over a day, so I'll have to find something else to occupy my time. And fortunately Christmas brought me some new distractions to enjoy! Despite this abundance of cheer, I believe that I'll hoard it this year. That's right, I'm gonna be a Screwge this year, and pass the "Screw" on to you! Ya know what that means? (Heh he hah ha hah hah ha!) Correct! Instead of digging out something new and festive, I'm going to continue with the schedule and bring out the 9th item from the Suck Section, the Maxim Tomato. A decent Health boost from all the titles, though less effective from it's roots of Max Restoral, but more significant than the crummy food Items. (UPDATED: December 25)

Ha heh heh hah ha ha! Welcome to the 10th entry in the Section of Suck, this week the Star Rod makes its highly 2-Dimensional Debut! One of my favorite battering weapons, while I never liked it much for it's projectile attack, (That was just a bonus) I thoroughly enjoyed the damage it dealt and the distance it could knock players around. Last week I mentioned I was developing backgrounds to break up the monotony. (Just a little) Well, after investing about 2 weeks or so into them, I think they'll work well enough to add. Every prior update will now have a Themed background picture for it, so go comb through the archives to take a look at them. That's all for now. BEGONE! (UPDATED: January 22, 2011)

Yet again, the time has come for more dusty garbage to come to light! (Hah ha ha heh heh ha!) Today it's the Home-Run Bat, another favorite of mine. Good for when you catch an enemy off guard, or, (more often in my case) a great weapon to throw, both for the severe pain it deals and the distance you can expect it to toss someone. (UPDATED: February 5, 2011)

Well, I'm still employed, (As of now), so I will be both sore and surly with every update, until my job's conclusion. (This means I'll have an excuse to be uncreative and bitter with these introductions!) Ha ha he heh ha ha-Cough! Cough! Uh... This week's Unprofessional Evil Laugh is brought to you by Beam Sword, like those Sabers of Light SOMEONE  is SO SENSITIVE ABOUT. We're getting to the less favorable items in this section, that or I got lazy and stopped thinking seriously about what items were my favorites. Anyway, the weapon has decent range, which varies on the user. It's not that damaging of a weapon, and isn't that great for throwing either. It's a nuisance class weapon that's primary use (For Me) is for taking out low handicap fighters. That is, Multi-Man Melee or the like. (UPDATED: February 19, 2011)

... Meh. What? Oh Yeah! Hah heh ha hah ha HA! Welcome to the 13th update to the Section of Suck, this week's addition is the Crate. Not exactly a weapon, but that never stopped me! I never got tired of tossing one at enemies if I ever got the chance, it was even better when it was an explosive dud. Good times... (UPDATED: March 19, 2011)

Work has been wearing me out and messing up my sleep schedule, so don't expect immediate updates like I used to do. Anyway, today the Suck Section gets a new Entry! (Hah ha ha hah Ha hah ha hah HA!) While the Bob-omb is a decent item, I'm more fond of weapons that are a sure thing, so high risk items like this aren't a favorite in my book. I'm not a fan of things that can easily backfire. (UPDATED:  April 2, 2011)

Today I receive my final paycheck from work, so I'm pleased about that, but not enough to spare you! That's right! Eh heh Heh ha Hah ha! The newest addition to Items is the Barrel, another object not exactly made for attack but I use it for that anyway. Only downside is once you throw it you can't pick it up again, so you have to break it with something else or wait for someone to trip into it. (UPDATED: April 16, 2011)

How was your Friday the 13th? Mine was uneventful, save for a brief power outage and bumping my head on the handle of the fridge. I'll chalk this one up to superstition so as not to look like an idiot. Back to business. I've kinda thrown myself off as far as the Neos upload schedule goes, so keep your eyes peeled, I just might surprise you. With that out of the way, the ACTUAL UPDATE. AH hah he he hah Ha HAH! Today we have the Poison Mushroom, which has about a 2 brick difference from the Super Mushroom. Yep. Now all of you, BOW before my CREATIVE GENIUS! I didn't say it the first time, but know that I thought the addition of the mushrooms was a pretty cool idea. A debilitating shrink 'shroom, and a powerhouse grow 'shroom, ideal for some fun table-turning. (UPDATED: May 14, 2011)

Finally got around to finishing Earthworm Jim 3D and the animated series. Yeah, the unofficial series was a better buy. I wouldn't recommend the game. It was a very frustrating experience for me, so I'd suggest getting reinforced controllers if you are susceptible to Game Rage, and if you didn't have it before, then you will when you're done! On to more relevant matters. (Heh ha Hah ha ha HAH!) Now everyone, enjoy the second of the blatant recolors from the Items section! The Red Shell! Yeah, as soon as I get Item Switch I turn this Item the F**K off. It's notorious for screwing me over, and it just doesn't hit with the force of it's superior cousin, the Green Shell, so I give it the boot. (UPDATED: June 11, 2011)

This week's delay in update is more or less for the same reason as the last ones. A get together, celebrating the cluster of birthdays. Last year the update fell on my birthday, this year it fell on my mother's. With that out of the way, back to the relevance. I think that I will keep with tradition, and not update with something awesome or festive. Why? Because Screw You, That's Why. I was very dissatisfied with all the NOTHING you got me last year, so Nyah! Which means... AH Hah ha ha hah Ha HAH! THAT'S RIGHT. More Items! YAY. This week's fail is Mr. Saturn. It claims to be a shield breaker, but I prefer to break shields with bombs, or smash attacks, or literally ANYTHING that doesn't hit with less force than a Fan. Yeah, this guy is never active on my Item Switch. EVER. (UPDATED: June 25, 2011)

The Update is Late, again. But are any of you REALLY surprised anymore? I'm not! Huh ha hah heh ho ho Hah! That's right! It's time for even MORE suck! Without further BS, here is the Super Scope. Not a bad weapon, it just kind of sucked that you couldn't move while charging or firing it, a problem that Brawl resolved. I really have nothing to report, no Neos in progress, and none of the games I'm currently playing are ones I actually own. (Here's a Hint, it goes for up to $600 on eBay) Tune in for at LEAST 2 more weeks of consecutive suck! Booyah! (UPDATED: July 23, 2011)

Hopefully the virus is gone for good this time, sent screaming back to the fiery pits that spawned it. WAIT A MINUTE. This is a site about Legos, not Computers! What was I thinking? Heh he hah ha ho ho huh ha hah! ThAt's RiGhT1! It's time for more crap! The 20th entry in the Items Section is the Barrel Cannon. To me, this object was never useful. It's just a couple moments trapped in a rotating barrel and then being fired out, slightly vulnerable a short time later. It just served as a minor nuisance to me, and a brief window of invulnerability for the trapped opponent. That is why this item is PERMANENTLY disabled! (UPDATED: August 6, 2011)

DOUBLE SUCK! That's right! Time for more items! Ah hah ha ha ha, eh... I can't even enjoy a laugh at your expense anymore... Ugh. ANYWAY... Here's the Cloaking Device, which was good for completely shielding you from damage AND for disorienting you to your death! For that reason, it is not included on my Item Switch. As effective as the Cloaking is, it's better at killing you than it is for hiding from opponents. After all, CPUs have always had Cheat-Vision. All Greatness has its price, I suppose. (UPDATED: September 3, 2011)

UL-TRA SUCK!!! That makes 4! Today's delay is brought to you by Netflix and Disinterest! And so, on with the show! What's with all the Exclamation Points today?! It's because the latest Suck Entry is the Party Ball! And EVERYONE knows ALL Parties are about VOLUME!!! AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! *VOLUME AND CAPS LOCK!! (Warning: Item is not nearly as awesome in appearance or usage as this buildup. That is all.) *Note: May Also Involve Booze. (UPDATED: September 17, 2011)

Today, for yet another fine afternoon update I present, (Heh, heh heh, hoo hoo Ha Ha Ha!) the Screw Attack, quite possibly the WORST of my Item "attempts". So it looks like it's not the only thing getting screwed around here! (Ugh, that joke didn't work at all...) For such a limited and ranged attack, it's actually pretty good. Great for jumping through those tedious corridors filled with enemies you don't feel like stopping and shooting, or for those needlessly Vertical areas with monsters that would knock you down if you had the Space Jump alone. Yep, I am mixing up uses from different games here, and I make no apologies for it. And while I'm at it, it was a moderately useful tool in Echoes. But now it is mostly for Horizontal distance, save for those weird walls you see a few times. (UPDATED: October 15, 2011)

Well, by now it's pretty clear that Summer is long over where I'm at. But don't fret, for this update shall warm your hearts and spirits! Here's the Fire Flower! Hoo hoo hoo hoo hah ha ha hah ha HA! Yeah, I lied. When I said it would warm your heart and spirits, what I REALLY meant was it would warm mine when you realized the update was both a bad pun AND a worthless piece of crap! AH... I needed that. All this item really was was just a way to mimic Bowser's ability to breathe fire for a short period. It graciously included the INABILITY to move while the item was active! Just like how it would be if you were Bowser! It wasn't bad exactly, but it just wasn't what I look for in an item. (I am aware that it existed in the original, but this IS SSBM Items, and everything was fairly unbalanced and limited in that game anyway) Will something new and special be uploaded for Halloween?! Hell if I know, but come see anyway! (UPDATED: October 29, 2011)

I would've updated sooner, but I was off doing social things, such as cooperatively completing Super Mario Bros: The Lost Horrors, or the REAL SUPER MARIO 2; (Thank God for infinite continues!) and hanging out with another friend playing Soul Caliber IV. And while we're on the subject: Fuck The Apprentice, Fuck him on fire and pour salt on the ashes. ANYWAY... Time to get back to the suck! Hoo hoo ha ha hah! The 25th item in the list, the Bunny Hood. Not a terribly useful item, but a fun one to screw around with. It was fun to make it the only available item in a match of Super Fast Mode (Or whatever the Hell you call it in Special Melee) using only fast players, like Captain Falcon or Pikachu. Outside of that it was great for Turbo-ing out of bounds and occasionally rescuing you from bad falls. (UPDATED: November 26, 2011)

ANOTHER Late Update?! Damn I'm GOOD! Netflix seemed like a better use of my time as far as the early update went. And the midday update was put off because I was out celebrating Food Day! The Best part of that "Holiday" is that you can have it any day, so long as more food than necessary is available! Oh well... The thing of the week is--- Heh heh heh he heh, HA HA HA HAH HAH HA! Even more crappy Items! Today's addition is the Metal Box, a pretty good equip to have on. (Most of the time) The advantage lies in its heft, a player covered in Metal is difficult to knock around. This makes high damage percent survival a bit easier for a short period. The downside is, this weight also severely reduces your ability to jump and run, which can make you a damage sponge as well, assuming you're up against a maneuverable opponent. And the hit your jump takes really takes a toll on your recovery on the off chance you DO get thrown out into the Danger Boundary! What tips the scales in its usage is that every character looks Sweet with that Silver Sheen covering them! NO ARGUMENTS. (UPDATED: December 10, 2011)

My throat's getting sore and I think that means my dreaded annual cold has finally caught up with me. But that's beside the point, I guess. The point is that it's time for another lousy model! Ah hah ha ha, ha... Hah. Ugh. Nah, not really feeling the Evil Laugh today. Today I show off the Fan and get back on track with my early/on time update scheduling. If you have a good memory, (or just like to reread my material) you'll notice I referenced the fan in an earlier commentary. The only good thing I had to say about the *3 Pound Fan (*MAX) was that it somehow hit with more force than what must be a 10-40 Pound Solid LIVING THING. Still not sure how that works exactly... While using its Primary Attack, (A.K.A Sissy-Slapping) is highly ineffective and annoying at best, Throwing it proves to be much more useful. (Ironically, that's my first choice after picking it up!) A good toss will fling opponents into the air, inconveniencing them for a short time giving opportunistic players a brief window to attack while they're vulnerable. Me? I'd just as soon turn it off my Item Switch. It's only worthwhile in Multi-Man Melee/Brawls with handicapped opponents to slap with it: In that regard it kills even faster than the Beam Sword does. Oh! And if your eyes are functioning properly you'll notice the yellow-ish brick in the middle, never mix old and new parts, people! It just doesn't work! (UPDATED: January 7, 2012)

As you can tell by my tardiness, this work week has drained me of a lot of enthusiasm, so I'm gonna have to try and force this week's Evil Laugh. Ahem. Ha hah ha, ha ha, ugh. I got nothing. Today's update is the Flipper. Whee. This weapon is about as good as the Pokemon Wobbuffet, and only half as useful. It just knocks everyone that comes into contact with it away, dealing minimal damage. It's a minor annoyance at best, and a slight inconvenience at worst. It's only strategic value is its potential to keep opponents from an item you want, and possibly dealing an edge-guarding KO. That's it. On moving stages it won't even maintain its position, then again, it'd be pretty useless at places like that anyway. This item should've stayed back in its Balloon Fight Obscurity, where it belonged. (UPDATED: January 21, 2012)

Final Destination